Joyce Slaton
posted in Mom Stories
So as I talked about a few weeks ago, I got laid off from my former enjoyable well-paid work-from-home gig, and I’m struggling. Mostly, I just feel awful about myself, like I’m worthless and useless.
“I feel like a loser,” I told my therapist. I’d seen her back when I was recovering from postpartum depression, and I called her again after a few weeks of crying over the vanished job, hoping that talking to someone might help.
She drew back. “Joyce, I’ve never heard you use such harsh language about anyone else,” she told me.
“That’s true.”
“Do you feel like other parents you know who are at home with their kids rather than having a full-time job, do you feel like they’re losers?”
“No,” I frowned. “I don’t. I think it’s cool, actually, when families can afford to have one person at home making things run smoothly.”
“So why when you are undergoing a brief period of not having a job, a condition, I might add, that so many people in our country are in right now, why are you a loser?” she asked.
I wish I could answer that. I wish I knew why I feel so awful about myself right now. I called a writer friend, and she advised me to work on my Linked In profile. “Once you see everything you’ve done over the last two decades, you’ll get an ego boost if nothing else,” she told me.
“Really?” It was cold outside and I was sitting on a bench, picking my cuticles until they bled. “Because right now I just feel tired and old and washed up and useless.”
“Honey! Don’t say that!” Phil hugged me around the neck while I was doing dishes and crying into the sink. “We need you! Violet and I need you. I couldn’t do it without you.”
They’re the only ones who need me, it feels like, and while I’m doing something for them, cooking, laundry, taking Vi somewhere, I feel okay for a minute. Then anxiety and insecurity floods back in. I’ve been a freelancer for most of my career, and being laid off used to not throw me like this. Is this some kind of mid-life crisis? Am I more upset because I have a child to support now, and the stakes are higher? I can’t answer those questions. I just know I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve dropped a bunch of weight, about 15 pounds, from being too upset to eat. There’s my upside! It’d be nice if the weight loss didn’t come with a side of misery, but hey, I’ll take what I can get right now.
I’ve been feeling around for other opportunities, a little bit. When Vi goes back to school in August, I’ll have more time and energy to do that. I keep hoping that once I put my back into looking for new work I’ll get myself into a more positive feedback loop and start feeling like less of a misery boots. I hope so, anyway. I don’t want to feel like a loser forever.
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