by Lindsay Weiss posted in Mom Stories
Yesterday, Samantha posted that she’s a reluctant soccer mom. I sympathized, as I’m a recent joiner too — in fact, my indoctrination has only occurred in the past three weeks as both Kate and Carter started their inaugural seasons. But Sam’s description of soccer moms in her neck of the woods — screaming, snack proffering, minivan-driving, no-fuss-hair-cut-having clones — is nothing like the soccer moms I know. Nope, the moms on the sidelines at our 36-field, state-of-the-art soccer Taj Mahal are the complete opposite. Escalade-driving, Starbucks-carrying, perfectly-golden-highlighted angels who exit their vehicles and make a designer shoe-studded trek to the soccer mecca.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not poking fun. Some of these gals are my best friends and have hearts of gold. But I had no idea that being a soccer mom was such a big production. Behold what I’ve learned in my three weeks of indoctrination:
1. Thou shalt not spend less than $50 per child on gear before walking on to the soccer field. Even if thou has a preschooler.
2. Thou doth not showest up in old college sweatshirts and Adidas wind pants to soccer games – thou showers, curls the hair, dons make-up and wears cute capris and wedges. If it is rainy, thou may wear Hunter rain boots and a stylish cap.
3. Thou scours the Internet to find her player soccer socks in complimentary colors to the team jersey and name. For the Ladybugs, black and white polka dot socks are procured to go with the red jersey. For the Honeybees, yellow and black striped socks are required, not optional.
4. If thou hast a girl soccer player, colorful hair bows must also be procured to match jersey and/or team name.
5. Thou shalt not forget a water bottle for the soccer player. If thou forgets, a purchased bottle of water from the concession stand shall not suffice. Water bottles must be expensive, complicated contraptions that can not only be drunk from — they can also spray the player’s hot, sweaty head (from the three minutes s/he was actually in the game) with a cool mist.
6. Thou shalt not bring a $7.99 folding lawn chair from Wal-Mart to The Game. Soccer moms all have a reclining lawn chair with footstool and sun shade.
7. While juggling uniforms, cleats, balls, water bottles and lawn chairs through the mile-long path to the soccer field, thou shalt also carry a Starbucks nonfat latte.
8. Even though an official score is not kept (at least for my kiddos), thou shalt secretly keep score while outwardly professing “It’s all about having fun!”
9. Thou shalt always buy the volunteer referees a slushy at halftime to win their favor thank them for their service.
10. Even if thou screws up every commandment above, thou can still redeem oneself by bringing a kick-ass snack for the players. Because everyone knows snack is the best part of the whole game.
Did I miss any? C’mon soccer moms…I know you’re out there!
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